Anger and Other Heavy Emotions

Question: I feel peaceful while I meditate. Then, a short time later, everything seems chaotic and I find myself feeling furious or anxious or some other uncomfortable emotion. What do I do with these feelings?

Aaron: First you must be willing to look at what's there. Humans are so hard on themselves. You condemn feelings and fears within yourself that you would meet with compassion in another. You are human. You are not meant to be perfect, in your human form, or you would have no need to be learning on this plane. Be loving to yourself. Forgive yourself for your imperfections. Simply use them as a signpost pointing the way to what you need to learn.

Look at the constant turmoil within yourself. There is so much pain, so many ego needs that grow from your sense of imperfection. You see yourselves as flawed, and constantly try to patch the flaws. You grasp at anything going by as a possible patch, and then put patches over the patches when the first ones don't fill in all the gaps. At one stage you grasp at material things for your patches. Then, when you see that a new car or better job won't do it, you grasp at spiritual things. You think perhaps more prayer, or a new yoga posture will fill the gap. Or perhaps enlightenment is what you need. Even a little bit of enlightenment and you'd really be there; then the pain would go away.

You are driven by fears-fear that you won't get what you need, fear of trusting, fear that others will notice that you're not perfect. You cannot put patches on your fears and pain. You must allow them to heal from within. Only then will you discover that you are whole and have always been whole. In your essence you are perfect, complete and unlimited.

You take all that you find unacceptable about yourselves and hide it beneath the surface. There, suppressed, it smolders-a slowly burning fire that gives you no rest as you race in circles, trying to escape the heat. Meditation provides a firebreak, a clear space to look at what's burning.

As you quiet the turbulence in your mind, you begin to notice the fears, the resentments, the pain that have been smoldering there for so long. This is like a personal compost heap. You take all those heavy feelings that have been lying hidden for so long and turn them with the fork of concentration and mindfulness and allow air in. Slowly the "garbage," all that you have discarded beneath the surface, becomes the nutrient for growth.

So first you must allow for this process of looking at what's been hidden. This must be done with no judgment. Simply notice what's there. Accept all of yourself. Do this mindfully, not just while you sit but throughout the day. This is your first work. Stay with it. Open to yourself with love and compassion.

As your concentration deepens, you will notice what's there with greater ease. There will not be as much need to hide parts of yourself from this scrutiny. This process of looking will lead to some purification, an ability to simplify your life and rid yourself of those extra, unnecessary burdens that cause you pain. From the greater space of deeper concentration and a purer lifestyle, you will find some wisdom, some understanding. Your increased understanding and the letting go of some of your excess baggage will allow you to move to even deeper levels of meditation. And on it will go. It is a process. You must simply allow it to happen by having the courage to accept what you see, without condemnation or self-blame.

After awhile, noticing these heavy, uncomfortable emotions nonjudgmentally will have become a habit. Now suppose you have just finished sitting, and are feeling very peaceful. Suddenly your spouse rushes in with an overdrawn check statement from the bank. He/she is furious. "Why didn't you realize the account was low and put money in?" In the past you would have become defensive. That feeling of being flawed would have pushed you to deny your blame and point out that your spouse wrote the check. There would have been an angry encounter.

This time you approach it with a new feeling of space. You feel angry and notice the feeling. You feel guilty; it is your job to balance the checkbook. You take a deep breath and notice, "Feeling angry; feeling guilty; feeling I want to deny my responsibility; feeling I want to lash out and hurt someone."

Suddenly you understand that these emotions do not need to control you. They are not solid, just energy passing through. It is not the emotions that create a problem, but your reaction to the emotions. Instead of lashing out, you're able to handle the situation with greater maturity and responsibility. This does not mean you will not feel anger, but only that you will not react mindlessly to that anger. You have many more choices, a great space of freedom from which you can choose a skillful and compassionate response.

You may be able to point out that anger is not going to resolve the problem of the overdrawn account. Your calmness will help your spouse settle down. You find yourself able to acknowledge your responsibility for neglecting the paperwork. Calmly you are able to discuss what steps need to be taken to handle the issue. There is no more need for blame and anger. At this point you may even notice that you are no longer feeling anger.

Or suppose your spouse continues to be angry and blame you. You still have this space from which you can note the feelings-anger, ego need for approval and to be right, frustration that he/she doesn't seem to hear you. From this space you can notice the continuing anger and realize that there is no need to strike back. You understand the other being's pain and anger and can relate to it compassionately. Not condescendingly, but compassionately!

Everything that happens in your life is meant to teach you. When you have created a situation where you feel anger, you must ask yourself why you chose that situation. What are you trying to learn? Perhaps it is a situation where you truly feel you are not to blame, that you are being victimized. I must remind you that nothing happens to you without your agreement at some level. Always you have chosen the issues and relationships and situations in your life because you have something to learn from them.

Learn to accept yourselves at ever deepening levels, noticing what is there. Do this first in meditation, and extend it to your entire day. Before you can love others, you must learn to love and accept your self, your entire self, which includes those emotions that cause discomfort. This is a basic step on the spiritual path, learning to love and not to blame.

I am not saying that it will be easy. It takes faith and courage and honesty. But you can do it, and your lives will be increasingly harmonious. Love is the strongest force in the universe. Allow it to be a part of your life. Do not be afraid of your feelings. Accept your whole self with love, that your love may then reflect outwards and shine light upon all beings.