03 03to05 2015 journal

Casa journal back home March 2-5  -This may be the final journal entry for this year, or maybe one more if there is something to share.

I arrived home Saturday; home from the airport for warm clothes, then to lunch at Yotsuba. Sashimi and sushi were total delight! I had been craving that!

My right shoulder is much improved since the return home. I know some of the pain was caused by ongoing surgeries. Most nights (not all) I sleep soundly; I can move the arm much more without pain, and with a broader range of motion. Knees are very weak but I have returned to regular exercise at the gym, going gently but daily: gym equipment, PT exercises, and swim. Now, the night of March 5, I can climb the basement stairs without pain, holding the 2 railings.

Reflecting on the trip, I see the ups and downs of mood, the times I felt unseen and unheard, bewildered by seeming total lack of improvement (in fact it often seemed the opposite, with increased pain); I can see the contracted energy field. Also, not reaching the usual (for the Casa) deeper levels of meditation. For over 6 months I had felt like I was inside a semi-dense cloud, notvery heavy, but obscuring the light. I had done a lot of clearing and release, but knew some negative attachments were still there. I asked for help with this at the Casa too.

On Sunday a friend who has strong ability to see and to support clearing of negativity wrote to me;

> I check up on you from time to time, as I told you before.

>

> I'm sure this is no surprise to you, but you are being seriously messed with now. You are skilled in dealing with a high degree of "negative attack", but this seems to be on a new level. There are reasons for this, mostly having to do with the shift on Earth and the new level of beings this increased vibration of the planet will support.

>

> If you'd like, I can clear you of these beings fairly easily. There are always more out there, but I feel this could be of great benefit to you. This can be done from afar with no direct involvement by you,...

I told him yes. He set out to work and later reported, (in much more detail)"All etheric cords have been cut and all of your energy has been returned to you, and other's energy has been returned to them."

What interests me especially here is two-fold. 1) How subtle the build-up of shadow has been. 2) That I kept trying ever harder to release, pushing, which of course only adds to the invitation to negativity. I did ask for help at the Casa, much as I asked for help with body pain and ailments, but then did not trust to hand it over and release the "problem." (which is, of course, not a problem, just life...) If I am going to continue to work as deeply with spirit as I do, including especially the Remembering Wholeness where the Mother takes on so much from others, holding hands, eyes open to theirs. There is little time for release, during the service if one person is in a very dark place during the darshan, or even after the service when I go to get soup but mingle with others still.  I have to do more regular cleansing myself and to learn how to do it from the same place from which I shower, not with any fear or dislike of the 'dirt' but simply in respect for myself, taking care of myself lovingly. The bodies do pick up 'dirt' and dirt is just soil released from somewhere and that has stuck on to the surface.

So my friend told me spirit would be helping with some release that night. I'm sorry I didn't get to write immediately after; this is as remembered. I had some beautiful dreams of light and of being held in great love. I awakened with a sense of lightness and well-being.  When I woke, I felt Aaron's, Jeshua's and the Mother's presence, and saw very clearly the sparkling smile that had greeted me at the Casa the day Dom Inacio sent me to his Current. That smile and the light in the eyes really drew me in to such a loving energy place.

I wrote to my friend that morning:

Thanks for what you have done. I slept very soundly and free of pain, and awakened feeling "LIGHT", just feeling enormous joy and ease. In my meditation after waking, there was  strong connection with the Entity known at the Casa  as Dom Inacio. In my casa journal I described this...

Wednesday afternoon, I was ready to go to the 2nd time line, and prepared to have Heather take me with my questions. The doubting part of me wants to know where this is going. Can it improve? Why is there increasing pain? While I was waiting, the Entity  (it was Dom Inacio!) came out on the stage to do a surgery. I watched. Then he turned around and looked at me there in the very front, met my eyes with a very warm, friendly smile, almost mischievous and playful, with an eye intense connection in which so much love, light and joy were transmitted, held it for a about 7 seconds, then said, "my Current."  So much for my questions and "I want operation; I want it fixed!"

So when i woke this morning Dom Inacio was there and I fell into those eyes, so deeply loving. I challenged him and he met the challenge fully, after which I was drawn into a place of intense light and high energy. Then he asked me to thank you for assisting in this release, removing some of what has been blocking the Light. He said the "loyal opposition " is working especially hard to hinder me in the Remembering Wholeness work. Love in its many aspects, is helping me. Finally i just sat there in his gaze and energy for a long while, feeling extraordinary light, joy  and space I had forgotten i was missing. Aaron, the Mother and Jeshua were also there... 

I've had repeated experiences of Dom Inacio since, just resting in his warmth and smile and the depth of his eyes. When I rest there, I am at a very high vibration and I realize that vibration does dispel negativity. Sometimes I am unable to feel him immediately. I have the sense not to grasp, to just relax and allow spirit to assist me to open the space into the Light.

As soon as I experience the body (or emotions) as "wrong" in some way and needing to be fixed, I close out the light and can no longer fully open to Love's gaze, smile, energy and Love. As soon as I relax and offer the statement of consecration of this mind/ body; spirit to the Light, to service, it all opens up again. I do see that I have been in a dimmed place for over a year, in part because of the fatigue of the chronic pain. I'm back to Teresa's prayer:

Teresa of Avila:

Be not perplexed;

Be not afraid;

Everything passes,

God does not change.

Patience wins all things.

He who has God lacks nothing;

God alone suffices.

There was a lot more talk with Aaron, the Mother and Jeshua. There will be more guidance and support to release as I do the Remembering Wholeness services, and also in my own daily life, and in meetings offered to people with Aaron. They ask me to spend time daily just resting in this high vibration. They remind me of the unshakable power of Love. They suggest before I do any more work with the Mother, or even private meetings with Aaron, I more fully gather a spirit support-group that will help me release anything negative during and after each session. I already clearly state my highest intentions to service to all and consecrate everything to the highest good, to the Divine. Just remember that I am part of a team and there is no glory in trying to do it all myself, and that I am not leaning on others in inappropriate ways if I ask for support to release any negativity. My release of that negativity serves all; my carrying it harms all.

I can see that at the Casa I was trying to do it myself! I go there to ask for help, then feel I "should" be able to do it myself! Right Effort; free of grasping and contraction, inviting growth and release. All of this is probably the primary healing of this trip. I am grateful.

March 5 2015 journal

At my Feldenkrais session today, Dale worked with energy and movement for over an hour. When I stood up and walked, I felt like my whole pelvis was subtly widened and my walk different. Dale said, "For now just notice how long the open feeling in your pelvis lasts and if it goes away, notice when it's gone; see if through visualizing or breathing into it see you can bring that open feeling back. We can do more with it next time."

I've been watching it all afternoon and evening. The difference is subtle but huge. I see how I have held the glut and pelvis muscles tight for years, in an attempt to balance, and tried to hold the tailbone tucked under against back pain. That tightening prevented me from allowing the legs to swing easily and the hips and pelvis to co-ordinate.

There needs to be tightening but a different kind or direction. When the pelvis is open, I still need to tighten but it uses different muscles. I don't know the names. As I was walking in the gym and in the pool, I realized that my feet felt pigeon-toed at first, but when I looked at their placement on the tile floor, they were straight, aligned with the lines of the tiles. My usual walk is a 'duck-walk.'

 When they were straight that way, the pelvis was open; I was holding the tailbone tucked in using completely different muscles, and the legs were free to swing / move in a straight line, rather than my waddling side to side in my usual gait. It was much less tiring, less painful too. My back didn't seize up, even after 10 minutes walking in the pool. I felt more balanced too. I also notice my knees are less painful or really not at all painful when walking this way.

I need to explore it more in the coming week.