Brazil journal 2014 post 2, Jan 10

Lying in bed this morning (these cold mornings my office is freezing so I turn up the heat in here and then return to bed to meditate under warm blankets) mind went to all these medical conditions and feelings of sadness, anger, helplessness came up. I have worked so hard in physical therapy and daily trips to the gym the past 6 months but keep sliding downhill. This body has done its ‘three score and ten' and the parts warranty seems to be expiring!

Lying there, I watched the anger and feelings of defeat; but this is how the body is,. It ages, at whatever pace. As in yesterday's journal, “where is the suffering?” Can I accept the body as it is, with an open heart, and just continue to do the maintenance work needed, while also holding the ‘ever perfect' level in awareness and inviting it to manifest as fully as it can.  So I don't give up and just stop the gym trips and so forth, and I don't grasp at results. The suffering is as always, wanting it to be different, not wanting to be present with it as it is, and with love.

As I lay there this morning, just calming and coming to the breath, Aaron asked me, “Does anything hurt in this moment?” No, remarkably, nothing hurt at all. He asked me to feel the gratitude in that, not to focus on what hurts or is lacking but on what doesn't hurt; at that moment the whole of the body. Appreciate this wondrous body that does not hurt.

I spent a few minutes with gratitude meditation, very aware of this body where the heart still beats, where there is no pain, where eyes can see the beauty of the dawn.

I watched the subtle tensions move through the body; the shoulder that is usually aching with tendon pain, the back with its small pulls and ripples of contraction. I keep coming back to finding the balance. What prompts us to act? When I act out of any fear, grasping or contraction, the whole body carries that tension on a cellular level. When I move with spacious compassion and mindfulness, the whole body seems to take a deep breath and relax, and pain and tension leave.

There is the simultaneity; Aaron's “that which is aware of pain is not experiencing pain.” Right effort, not to fix anything; just to hold it in love. But that in itself is insufficient for release of distortion. There also has to also be intention for the body (or mind) to express its innate clarity and perfection, to see that true nature as already existing, not as something out there to “get,” but just to be remembered and invited.

This is the ‘Remembering Wholeness” that's become predominant for me the past few years, and how best to support that for others. There are many paths to that end. I'm trying to keep doors open so people of different backgrounds and needs can all have support. I love the dharma and vipassana practice, but others need to awaken/ remember in a different way.

Later: after midnight actually; it's been a long day, with 3 medical appointments and some final errands and packing. The magic of a steroid injection; the shoulder is free of pain for the first time in months. Meditating with the “no pain” I understand for the first time how valuable it can be to have that, even just for moments, if one can meditate with it and anchor in to that uncontracted (un-inflamed) aspect of the body (or mind), rest there and re-center.

I have a new brace for the knee and it works. Again, no pain! One so easily loses the reality of that ever-perfect with the pains of mundane mind and body. I have the habit to armor myself and be stoic, no matter how often I remember and come back to center. Such a strong pattern! Perhaps for many of us; we fight or quit in despair. Either way, the heart is closed. For me resting in awareness re-opens the space of open heart and the armor falls away. I have come to see that for some with a less deep meditation practice, darshan with the Mother opens that space. Then the practice can be developed from within the open heart.

Finally today a session with D.J. with Feldenkrais.  This is another practice that, for me, brings me back to center. With mindfulness of these subtle movements and energy, there is such clarity of the simultaneity of mundane and ultimate and the choice to not get hooked into the mundane, but to continue to have compassion for the human thus experiencing.

Last week, wisdom tooth days with short attention span, I read a lovely book called “The Dalai Lama's Cat” by David Michie. This beloved cat learns much from his human (His Holiness), and shares deep dharma in such an accessible way. In the spring “Consciousness and it s Objects” class, I want to focus on the akashic field and supramundane consciousness, but also keep us connected to the everyday experiences. Dan Muir (my teaching partner) and I agree the class will read this book along with the more traditional dharma/akashic field/  non-duality readings, to help people stay balanced in relative and ultimate experience.  

There's much more I want to say; in meditation there's more clarity about the way all these pieces fit together and about the akashic-field work, which is so non-conceptual.  It's 12:30 and I must be up early to attend a good friend's mother's funeral for much of the day, and then packing, so perhaps this will continue on the airplane.