Brazil Journal 2014 Post 5, Jan 18,

A rainy Saturday morning, the first rain since we arrived. I slept again from 9PM to 8AM!!! Not surgery this time, just catching up on weeks of exhaustion, awake at home with body pain. Pain-free I am sleeping blissfully here. Breakfast with the group and some good conversation sharing visions, etc., for an hour, then catching up on email and now, some journal.

My mouse does not work well. Frustrating to type. B is bringing a new one I ordered and had not arrived in time before I left.

Going back to Monday, I felt them working on me Monday night and by Tuesday morning, dragged myself to breakfast and back to sleep. Lunch and gain back to sleep, dinner... I think I slept for over 30 hours in that period from Monday 9PM to Wednesday 6AM. Many dreams  but one in particular sticks with me. I was face down in some kind of flight seat, strapped in ready for takeoff. Rocket ship? The ship propulsion unit was not launching correctly and they needed to lift it into position with cranes; as it lifted above me I felt in danger; what if it fell. I said, “I want to get off”. I was told, too late, launch is already started. Just hang on, and then a lift off, soaring feeling, high energy, and back to sleep. Awakened to awareness of the surgery.

Wednesday AM to the Casa, to second time line. My knee felt more stable, with knee brace, and I road the bike down easily (downhill!) and then walked with my walking sticks, left crutches here in my room.

Heather took me through. The Entity said ‘crystal bath and then come back to Current, so I went and had the CB and sat the rest of the morning in Current, restless body and mind.

Wednesday afternoon to the Entity Current line at 1 and then sat inside from 1:20 to 6:15. No starting easy! Some focus at first, but then restless mind and body, just watching it. After about 60 minutes, very strong pain started in the left shoulder, the one that has severe bicep tendon inflammation. This tendon is meant to sit in a groove but the flap that holds it in place is torn so with any arm movement it slips out and is very painful. In OPT I am trying to gently build up muscles to help hold it in place. The Mich. Doctors offer two options, 1)a small (arthroscopic) surgery to cut the tendon, which will relieve all pain but also limit arm use forever. 2) a much more major surgery to repair the torn flap. I have opted to ask the Entities and have just lived with the pain these past 8 months. It keeps me awake often.

So suddenly there was, - not searing pain- but very real throbbing and what felt like knives cutting in. At a certain point, after about ½ hour, I said I could not take it any more, was about to put up my (good) hand and ask for help, when the pain stopped completely. Then I fell asleep for about an hour, sitting there in Current.

I awakened feeling some despair about the state of this body: shoulder, knee, spinal stenosis, bad circulation in   legs, cataract in ‘good' eye... It's a 71 year old body with failing parts. The organs, heart are all healthy but the rest is collapsing. Feeling some sense of despair and anger. I did some metta for about ½ hour, opening my heart to this body and all bodies that age and hurt. I see how I have been pushing myself. I do love teaching, both with Aaron and as a dharma teacher myself, and also the work with the Mother. I know it all has real value to others. But the energy is no longer there to do it all. I don't feel the usual delight at all in the thought of going off in planes to lead retreats  this spring. There's joy, but also pushing and effort.

I read a book on the flight,  “The Magician of Lhasa” (same author as “Dalai Lama's Cat”) in which there are two intertwined stories, a monk escaping from Tibet when the Chinese invaded, carrying precious scriptures to safety at the cost of his own life (passing them on safely)  and a man of today, the same karmic stream, a scientist who understood non-duality from the present perspective of his science though he had no Buddhist experience.  Slowly it comes together for him, and he begins to see how he took birth to continue his past work, now in a new western culture, passing on this deep dharma. As I read I was led to reflect on my past lives and the karma that has led me to today, wholesome and unwholesome. I have largely been able to release and balance the unwholesome. The wholesome has led me to the full range of teaching, to starting DSC, to connection with Aaron and the other Entities that come though me; to the two related tasks of clarifying the distortions of some of the older teachings (in VM) while retaining that which is beautiful there, bringing in the non-dual teachings there that were lacking;  and to grounding those non-dual teachings in a more mundane practice so they are accessible.

Aaron asked me to envision what else would offer real service and fulfill this karma; and what kind of daily life could I envision for myself, that this body can do and thrive with, and would bring joy. I could see myself rising early to meditate, hot tub and eat with Hal, enjoy preparing some dinner in the crock pot to cook all day, then by 8AM sit in my office and write. I picture my desk/ computer moved out of the dark closet to a space in front of the window with view and light, such as I cherish when I write on the deck at the cabin; four or five hours of writing; a break with lunch; maybe one (not 3 or 4) private meetings) Time to go leisurely with Hal to the gym, exercise and swim in that delicious warm pool (or walk, or ski, or whatever is appropriate to the day). Come home to a dinner ready for us. Read by the fire, relax, talk with Hal, watch a movie. Take a look over the morning's writing for an hour. Meditate and to bed. I could envision this as an ongoing lifestyle that would support my body's ability to heal, would offer service out into the world, and would allow me to enjoy my home and beloved husband. In the image of the desk in front of the 9 foot sliding door/window, I envision space for both our computers so we can work side by side as we do at the cabin, enjoying each others' energy and presence but not interrupting each other, and Hal says he wants to do more writing too.

I spent an hour with this in Current, not really fanaticizing so much as allowing myself to open to new possibilities and let go of old ideas of how it “should be”. There's a sense of real joy and ease to it. I began to see how I've been pushing myself to do what I always was able to do, turning my back on this aging body and lower energy with a ”just do it.” I think there was fear in it to, a response to aging and increasing body limitations and pain, of just ignoring it. How do we stay open to things as they are in this moment? He then asked me to see how expanded my energy felt, envisioning this, and how contracted when I think of my present schedule; this is not doing less, just different., The planning to travel (packing and planning the retreat) and  traveling itself take a lot of energy for me. It never used to, and now I think “It should be easy,” but it no longer is. Body pain is the main factor I think. My bed and available hot tub at 3AM if in pain, so I can go back to sleep easily, are just not there when I travel!

I returned to the Current room Thursday morning, again in the front row just in front of the Entity. I love the energy there! It was another long session. About an hour into it, there was strong painful sensation in the left knee, again like cutting. Throbbing; then it all stopped. I was guided to remove the knee brace and just stretch out the leg .

Some deep quiet time, resting in radiant light.

Then I asked, of myself as much as Spirit,  what do I feel led to write about? There are three books that call to me: to finally get out two books from Aaron that have been stagnating for a long time - the one on Project Light, the body healing /body energy class transcripts of many years ago, and the non-duality book that is ready to release itself from this computer and take its place in the world. JK has done a lot of work with both. DM is agreeable to help with the second. It just needs my time and focus.

The third book: 25 years of deepening in dharma and teaching it, the broadest range of dharma. There are many vipassana and basic dharma books out there, There are some books that go deeper in to the more esoteric teachings, like the Togyal book “Circle of the Sun”: but they are not articulated in ways to be accessible except to advance practitioners. What I feel called to write, called karmically and by basis of my trainings and work with Aaron, is a book that is very accessible that clearly and simply articulates both mundane and more supramundane practices and brings them together.  The title could be something like “That Which is Aware of Fear is Not Afraid.”  I would start simply, the nature of dukha and how we build up a ‘self' and that self suffers. Right there  in that moment, freedom is available.  I want to simply articulate how we bring together the vipassana practice that notes the experience of this moment, metta and compassion practices, and simultaneously, resting in the spaciousness where the suffering is not, without using that as escape. Here the akashic field practices are also relevant. I envision writing this myself, but including in each chapter 1 to 3 pages form Aaron to bring more depth or clarity to particular points.

I began to see this coming semester's class as a starting point, just creating some notes toward the book. I had already decided to have the class read “Dalai Lama's Cat” along with the Pure Awareness and non-duality teachings, to help people stay grounded. How do we deal with this suffering or confusion with both an openhearted presence that truly sees the nature of the dukha as rooted in self-belief. And also knowing there is truly nothing to fix, to ‘remember wholeness' and return to the ever-perfect? How do we do that without using that skill and knowing of the ever-perfect as an escape? So the simplicity and yet depth of the book will support staying with the mundane experience too.

Time for lunch, I've been writing all morning. More later.,

Good lunch; now that pork is no longer on the forbidden food list while on herbs, they have more very delicious sausage and similar meats.

Continuing from above. I returned here late for lunch Thursday as Current didn't end until after 12 and then I spent time talking with Dorothy; she is leaving that evening for 5 weeks in California so we had just that hour together.  I considered just staying there for the afternoon, skipping lunch, realized how tired I was, and after lunch here I slept all after noon,. I think they worked more on me as I slept. It was good to see D even for a short time; she may come to the October workshop.

Up for dinner, and back to sleep early.

Friday AM, back to Current. I noticed when I got up that my left knee felt immensely better, pain free and stable. No knee brace, Aaron suggested.  I rode my bile down there and back easily at lunch, walked from parking area to Current room with no pain or feeling of weakness. Thank you Entities! Shorter morning Current and then rode the bike back up the hill easily. It's like my bike of past years but a little better in gears, more stable, and fits me better, but does not fold as small into a car trunk. Friday afternoon somewhat restless in Current, and slept for a while; that old grasping for clarity!!! I spent some time with gratitude meditation. After Current, I went to the pool. The swim was delicious. I just learned that the Prates family is managing that pousada now, and they have a Sunday lunch barbecue.

Last night, to bed at 9 and slept until 8. I feel more rested today; the knee continues to feel strong and pain-free. I have stayed in to write but now will do laundry, nap and then maybe have a swim. I have no waterfall passes; will get them on Wednesday. I realize how relaxed I feel, no tension stored. “Who” stores that tension ? Why? Just old habit? Good place to investigate. So I am watching the subtle body contractions that say ‘tension,' opening back to the tensionless; offering metta to the human with tension but not fixing tension or escaping from it to that which is tensionless,  just watching the old patterns and resting in  clarity and spaciousness.  It's the same pattern or habit that keeps pushing to get everything done at home. Enough!