Brazil journal 2014 post 3 Jan 11

short sitting this morning; mind was surprisingly still, the eye of the hurricane, bits of packing thoughts around the edges. It's easy for me to find an “imitation” of stillness, by coming back again and again to the breath, but it's important not to hide in it but to recognize the tension in the background. I consciously invite attention back to the places of tension in body and thoughts and use that tension as a teacher: all arising from conditions, impermanent, not self. I called it “imitation”; it poses as stillness but is grounded in some subtle contractions, some avoidance, and if one looks, there is subtle tension. I just ask myself, “any tension here? Anything I don't want to experience?” “Anything I am pushing away?” I usually can feel it in the body, for me, often in the belly. This morning I felt in there, and brought loving attention to it, just a few minutes of metta for this stressed human. When brought into the light and seen for what it is, it goes. Then resting in an authentic stillness for about 15 minutes. Finally, kindness, not fear or tension, invited me up to begin packing. I need to leave in 2 hours for a funeral in Detroit, and probably won't be home until 4 or 5. Piles are strewn all over the floor, suitcases empty. Let's see what can be done in 90 minutes.

Now midnight; the funeral mass was very moving, mostly a reminder that the body goes but spirit remains, in the Catholic articulation, “in eternal rest” but it was also said as a reminder that there is a part of us that is never lost. I know little about Catholic thought and enjoyed hearing this said in this way. There was very high energy, many beautiful memories shared and the entire service was very loving.

I'm more or less packed, and will finish in the morning.

I had an interesting conversation with someone today about release of old patterns that stick; I mentioned the Seven Branch Prayer and Four Empowerments in the ways Aaron has taught these, in a way that's more heart centered than the traditional Tibetan practices. I haven't done this practice in a long time.  I reflected that these practices would be useful with the dualistic thoughts that replay so often, such as sick/ healthy, or agitated/ calm. It's such a sold pattern to “fix” the agitation or illness, and one that doesn't serve.