Brazil journal 2014 post 12 Feb 21-28

I've been home for 6 days now; it feels like a month! Unrushed time with Hal at home, hot tub soaks in the snow, phone and skype with family, unpacking and cleaning up, long naps every afternoon (I mean long; 2 and 3 hour!), looking out at a snowy landscape instead of flowers and hummingbirds, and actually enjoying cooking after 5 weeks away. I've made soup, pork shops, baked acorn squash, eggplant parmesan, omelets, and more. I think the joy of cooking won't last once the novelty wears off, but my new kitchen is a delight for food prep, with plenty of counter space and good organization! The pousada food is delicious but has a sameness to it, so these were things I longed for. Sushi too; Hal knew, and took me out for sushi direct from the airport.

On Tuesday morning I saw the orthopedic doctor who had given me the knee brace just before I left for Brazil. He confirmed the ER report; he felt the outside knee ligament was most likely torn, and might need surgery when I returned; we set up this appointment for immediately after my return.

He examined my knee with surprise while I described my treatment there, and proclaimed the ligament fully healed and strong, shaking his head at the fact that no sign of surgery showed.  I explained how the healing happens there. I'm not sure how much he took in; he kept shaking his head and once more twisting the knee and seeing strength and no pain!! "Where are you when they operate?" he kept asking, finding it hard to accept that I was just sitting in a room with 50 to 100 other people. He kept looking for an incision. I offered him a copy of Cosmic Healing and told him to call me or email and I would deliver it to him. 

The leg sore is likewise almost fully healed. There is a very small reddish area, very subtly swollen, half the size of a dime. There has been occasional deep-down pain there since the operation though, so I suspect they had to go very deep, maybe into the bone, to release all the infection. There was a bruise at first, that is gone now, and the pain mostly gone too. The stitches would have come out just 48 hours ago so it needs more time.

I wish I could report shoulder fully healed too. It was very free of pain for several days after the operation, except for a local spot on the top of the shoulder that was very tender, where I had felt the surgery.  It was a bit disturbed by travel but then the pain released again. But on Wednesday when I went to the gym for the first time (stitches came out Tuesday night) and did very mild exercise in the pool, that was still too much for the shoulder and the tendonitis became very painful. The pain is twofold; the old tendon pain came back after the pool. I have iced it many times and kept it still; this morning it feels better. And the tenderness of the bone is back stronger. I need to be very careful with it and be patient. It is a big relief not to have the constant tendonitis pain. With that gone, I can sleep soundly.

Eyes, no change; I did not follow guidelines 100% though, did a little reading such as to check in for flight, some other things on computer, and read a little on the flight back, always with the right eye covered with a patch to protect it. Again, I need to give it more time. It is just 9 days since the operation.

In my last journal I attributed a quote to Nelson Mandela and was corrected:

In your last entry before leaving there, you shared some of the writing you've begun for your next book.  I want to clarify the source of one quote you used.  You attributed the quote that begins  "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate..." to Nelson Mandela, who used it in his inaugural address in 1994. 

    However, the words he used came from a book by Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love, pp. 190-191 that was published in 1992.  For me, that quote has been meaningful from the first time I read it; I actually recognized it when I heard Nelson Mandela's speech.  Here is Marianne's whole paragraph:

  “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Interestingly, as often as the words have been attributed to Mandela, Marianne has never said anything about it.  I hope this information is helpful.

To be continued...

Feb 27, flying to Philadelphia.  Hard to believe I have only been home 12 days.  It feels like 3 months! The days have been packed, with little time to write. Unpacking, a huge clean-up of my office space, still going on. I filled a large recycle bin  with various papers and magazines, about 4 large trash bags full. One large recliner chair has been moved to the family room, thanks to a strong friend. The hibiscus tree has been moved to the living room, (same strong friend) and the office window wall is ready to accept a desk next week - either a 10 foot slice of kitchen counter or a used, solid-core door, painted if needed . Two loving friends with carpentry and wiring skills have offered help. I have been offered a generous gift to help buy a monitor. Looks like I may need a new computer to handle this new monitor; that to be worked out somehow. I trust it will fall into place.  My old mac (that I'm typing on here) is 5+ years old and slow, and lacks what it takes for this newer monitor.. Spirit is definitely moving this process along for me! Curtain or window shades have to be purchased or made for the 3 glass doors, to limit the early morning sun as I work, then open for the view. So by this time next week I hope to have moved to my new view and spaciousness and out of the closet.

Also in these days, numerous medical appointments; I mentioned seeing the orthopedic specialist; when I saw my primary care doctor this week, he said that orthopedic man came to see him and asked, “Who did this surgery? How” Seems I really confused him.  My primary care doc told him more about John of God.

I have cataract surgery scheduled for this coming Thursday, March 6. Dr. Augusto did not do the surgery at the Casa; I take that as a statement to do it here. About 9 years ago, after the wave accident, I arrived at the Casa with 20/400 right eye vision and Dr. Augusto brought it back up to 20/100. Back to the US and the retinal specialist said he needed to operate to remove irregular blood vessels. I let him do it. That work brought it back to 20/400 or worse (just seeing light and dark) ! Next Casa visit  Dr. Augusto said emphatically, “No more injections and surgeries in the US. I am taking care of your eyes.” Now it is gradually back to 20/200.  But this is the other eye (“good” eye)  and a cataract, not the retina.  This left eye has its own issues. It has been bleeding since the accident, so there are many floaters, but they can't find the source of bleeding and are unwilling (me too) to risk surgery to look.

I asked the Entity about the cataract 3 times this trip and though he did many surgeries he did not remove it. I wonder if I should have gone through the line with just that one request? Maybe so, but I was also in pain and other areas of this body needed the Entities help. I have sent a photo to Heather and she will take it to the Entity, hopefully directly to Dr. Augusto, asking his help for next Thursday. But even without the photo, I know he will help.

Continued from hotel room on Friday: the material that follows, especially the conversation with Aaron,  is something very personal that I usually delete from shared journals, but I see a benefit to sharing it.

I'm scared. This eye is my last remaining connection with the world, with no hearing and one eye blind.  Last night I was observing the glare the cataract causes in many light conditions, how poor the vision has become, and realized I need to KNOW the positive outcome, to start to celebrate it now, even before the surgery, with gratitude for the new clarity I will experience. I remember how sharp the vision was in both eyes 10 years ago, just before the wave accident. This left eye CAN see like that again. Even the right eye can. Know it with all my knowing!

I also do trust that whatever happens will be okay. I see (smiling at that word) how my choice of very large monitor  so I can continue to read and work is kind and skillful yet also can be a kind of grasping, a way to trust I won't be left deaf and blind. Yes, the large monitor and new mac if needed, will ease eye strain on what vision I have, but I need to go into the place that KNOWS all will be well, whatever outcomes.  My fear is partially due to the ongoing bleeding in this “good” eye, but the eye surgeon says the cataract surgery is only on the surface and will not create further bleeding.  But a more subtle fear is that the cataract surgery will remove the cataract issues but because of the floaters, the vision will still be partially obscured and I will need to deal more with the reality of this damage.  This eye does have 20/25 vision with glasses, just obscured at times by the blood bits that drift through momentarily. Just after the accident the vision was only 20/100.

I'm also aware that I both wanted and did not want cataract surgery at the Casa. Not hearing, and without being able to read, I am so totally cut off from any communication. People write to me to communicate. I went through this some years ago with the eye surgery done by Dr. Augusto,  then “no reading for 40 days.” I asked him a week post surgery, can I just read notes to talk to people? He gave an emphatic, “Harder for you, but NO Reading”. I was alone there that year; I did it but it was a huge emotional challenge.  What does it mean emotionally and spiritually to be so totally cut off from the world?

So the fear is less about the eyes than about isolation. Lack of eyes equals isolation for me. I KNOW I'm never alone. This fear of it is what needs to be released, is the core of the healing.  Aaron, can you speak to this at all?

Aaron:  (paraphrased, not incorporated) “I am Aaron; you are correct. This has been a hidden fear for you for 42 years, much diminished,  or truly for endless lifetimes. Always there has been a subtle grasping to maintain contact, rather than a trust of the essential contact that is always there.  You do not need to experience a cutting off  of connection by blindness/ deafness to come about and to fully know and trust the essential connection. Find that connection in your heart and in the deep meditations. I would like you to enter the surgery Knowing that eternal connection, so you do not, through subtle fear, invite failure of perfection of the surgery.  

“You have a vision, an ancient fear, of falling into darkness, falling into an abyss. You have dreamed of this falling into darkness; all humans have. Now it is time to release that myth. I would ask you to go there in meditation, and see that it is not real, but is built on misinterpretation of ancient experience. There is no abyss! There never was. The memory is based on the move of the small mind into the darkness, the seeming loss of the Light; the first sentient experiences of mundane consciousness and the contraction therein.”

BB: I understand you Aaron. It feels like this is part of the human experience, but you're saying it is not a necessary but a conditioned part?

Aaron: exactly.

BB: So the experience of lack of connection that came 42 years ago with deafness, and that came10 years ago with the wave accident and the months of minimal vision,  are “real” on one level. The human lacks the accustomed reminder of connection and there needs to be compassion for that human. But on another level, those experiences of lack of conventional human connection just mirror the ancient experience of  “leaving the Garden” as you sometimes phrase it. I don't know how to live the  “both” (as differentiated from “either/ or”.  It's not just the ancient conditioning. How would I live my life lacking both hearing and vision?

Aaron: Many do, and find resolution, but this is not the likely outcome. Why are you dwelling on it?  Often when we so deeply fear something there is also some subtle attachment to that which is feared. What might you gain from such lack of connection?

BB: I do see the side of me that's weary, feels like it has spent 70 years carrying the world on my back and welcomes an excuse to shut down. It's similar to what I uncovered with the exploration into healing of deafness; not wanting to hear the world's cries. That had a specific past life connection, those drowning all around me on the sea, but there is a part in us all that doesn't want to hear the cries because we feel so helpless to alleviate that suffering.  So not seeing, not hearing, I have excuse to close down and say I can no longer be responsible to others suffering.,

I know that's not real; I will always be responsible to attend to suffering, and yet never responsible to fix it. Not hearing or seeing actually makes it harder to work skillfully to attend. I do NOT choose this.

Aaron: Then let it go. Engage joyfully in this world of love and pain. Trust that you will always have the capacity to do what is needed, although the expression of that capacity may not always be what you expected. Now please let this go, and meditate,.

BB: Thank you Aaron.

Later: after some meditation and reflection. The image of the bodhisattva with 100,000 arms came, 100,000 arms to attend to all the suffering of the world. But individually we are not that being, but just each are one of her arms, and that is enough, to be one arm and do what one can do.

I'll come back to this in a day or two.

I want to write a few more things about the Casa trip. Shoulder is still painful, though better than it was. In the same vein as above, what does it mean to have the healed shoulder?  It's wholesome that I slow down some at this point, age 71, but that slow-down needs to come from a loving intention to be caring to this body and help it thrive, not a fear based intention to limit or withdraw. The kind of intention, based in contraction, in darkness, sneaks in so slyly and it's easy to mistake it for some kind of wisdom. The result is the same, to slow down, but one slowing down allows me to spend more time reaching into the Light and drawing it forth for myself and others, and one type draws me back into the dark closet.

The thought came as I meditated. What do I fear? I don't fear much any more; helplessness; weakness; loss of control.  This is something to look at.  Helpless, I can no longer DO. Thenm I must rest in just being. That has never seemed to be enough, given the enormity of suffering.

So perhaps part of this slowing down of the body is learning the true power of just being!

I'm going to send this out. This was going to be the last Casa journal (ones posted on line). I may write another next week, after the cataract surgery. I do want to add some thoughts about the book that's pouring out.