Brazil journal Post 11 Feb 14

A week has flown past since I last wrote. Just some general things first: it was a full weekend. Mostly rest on Saturday, still tired after Thursday's operation. Re: that op0eration; the open and bleeding sore of a month's duration on my leg is almost gone. He also worked on my shoulder. There is still some pain but much less.

Sunday, Casa morning service; two crystal baths in a row; meditated at overlook; lunch with group at Fruttis, and back here to sleep. I slept all afternoon. Sunday night; dharma talk/ discussion/ questions with the group. Monday was a quiet day for me. I did laundry, and started to write as inspired by last week's surgery. I met with some of the group members. Early to bed. Tuesday early Portuguese lesson then to the waterfall with 11 of us. Back and did more writing; went o talk with Heather.  

The writing flowed. It was me (my higher self) more than Aaron, but there was little correcting or planning ahead, just letting it pour out.  I have a foreword, first chapter and outline of 18 chapters. Each chapter will include introductory material from me, a quote from Aaron that will be anything from a few sentences to several pages, and a specific ‘exercise' or practice that gives support, like basic vipassana instruction, pure awareness practice,  clear comprehension of purpose and suitability,  a guided metta practice, the pushing arms exercise, Four Empowerments, or whatever is appropriate. I am excited to get home and get into it.

I am asking spirit to drop a very large monitor on me (well, beside me will be best) so I can work without eye strain. I'm going to start immediately to rearrange my office and move my desk out of the dark closet and to the window. The first chapter  (after the foreword) of the book is  “The Dark Closet.”  This is a VERY rough draft..

The Dark Closet

I sit here at a sunny window looking out at a brilliant Brazil landscape, with a radiant quality of light that's hard to describe. Everything is luminous! Just out the window is a large bottle-brush plant with green foliage of every hue and abundant, startling red flowers. Hummingbirds hover. Their name in Portuguese is Beija-flor, which means flower kisser, and that's just what they seem to do.  Beyond is a red tile roof and an intense cerulean sky. Sun dances on it all, literally radiating light.  

It's easy here to understand why the Light calls to us, yet so often we keep ourselves closed up in a dark closet and away from Light. Part of the choice is habit. We have forgotten that Light is our essence. We also may feel unworthy, so that we believe we only deserve darkness. And brilliant light with its high vibration and intensity may feel uncomfortable, as it can be for creatures who burrow underground.

The Buddha teaches, “We are what we think; with our thoughts we make the world1.”  We live so much in our stories, of our wrongness, illness, unloveliness, inadequacy, and ignorance, and burrow under the earth as a way to hide to hide our shame and presumed failures. My beloved teacher often asks people, “If I gave you a beautiful plant covered with radiant blossoms, you would water it and cherish it. Would you then put it in a dark closet?” Of course we know it needs the light. We are such radiant plants, yet we place ourselves in darkness. Why do we hide?

Nelson Mandala is ascribed to authorship of this quote in his Inaugural Talk 1994

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate...

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

Our first step is to consciously begin to know the intention to emerge into the light that is our true being. We can't force that emergence, only invite it and become willing to investigate the habits that have held us in self images as small, broken and distorted .

We all have such beliefs. They play regularly. A friend calls them our top ten hit parade. My top hits will be different from yours but they contain certain similarities. Mine come up most often when something scares me. One person may spill something and the thought, “I'm clumsy” arises. Another may be exhausted when a friend calls, and think, “I should take time to talk.” A third may need to change a fuse and say, ”I can't do that; I lack mechanical aptitude” and live in a dark room for a while until a friend comes by and changes it.  We may need to introduce ourselves and feel frightened we won't be accepted, wish to escape as fast as possible, or may talk incessantly to cover up our fear. We may need to finish a work project and procrastinate with the story, “it won't be good enough,” or may stay up for three nights with the thought, “it must be perfect.” Anger may arise and then the thought, “I shouldn't be angry.”  Same thing with jealousy or desire: “I shouldn't feel this. I'm bad to feel this.”

The simple fact is that everything in our conditioned human experience arises when the conditions are present for it to arise, and ceases when the conditions cease. Look at simple objects. If a seed falls from a tree, and if there are certain conditions of fertile soil, sunlight and rain, the seed will take root and grow. If any conditions are lacking, the seed cannot grow. We don't blame the seed; we pay attention and provide the conditions. If too much sun, we provide some shade.  But we don't just say, “this seed cannot grow.” We ask, “What limits its growth?” Right there in that seed is a vibrant plant if we support the conditions it needs to fulfill its truth.

Or we limit the conditions if it is a weed and we don't want it to grow. We don't believe we're bad because the dandelions grow in the lawn, only act to keep them trimmed so the seeds are less available.

Everything we need is within us.  So a first step is knowing the intention to open to this deepest truth of our being, even if its acknowledgment is frightening.  There's a very helpful practice called Clear Comprehension that has four steps. The first two are “Clean Comprehension of Purpose” and “Clear Comprehension of Suitability.”  When the thought arises of unworthiness, ineptitude, failure and so forth and we want to back away; when anger arises and we want to scream it out; when pain overwhelms us and we want to declare defeat, we can ask, “In this moment, what is my highest purpose?” For me the answer is usually, to be present with this situation with love. Then we ask, Is what I'm about to do (yell, run, hide, attack, diminish myself or others) suitable to this purpose. When I see that it's not suitable, I understand that I have a choice, and don't have to bow to old habits.  No matter how many times I have convinced myself I'll burn down the house if I try to change the fuse, I can remind myself that this is just fear's voice, and change the fuse. No matter how many times I have heard my neighbor scream in rage that my apples are falling on his lawn, how ever many times I've said “I shouldn't be angry,” finally I can acknowledge that he is angry and I am angry, and neither of us are evil. The anger is just the outplay of conditions. I can make space for it. In that way I begin to change the conditions and the rage diminishes.

There are two parts here; to know my highest intentions and to learn that I do have the power of choice. Each time I choose in a more loving way, I invite myself out of the dark closet.

Follow with instructions for Clear Comprehension.

So I do need to move my desk first thing and bring myself into the physical light, writing as I do at the cabin where I love to write on my screen porch in the trees.  My present desk all these years is literally  in a closet that closes off with doors, designed  when the space was DSC, to keep the outer room clean for classes.  The day I wrote that I was sitting in front of a window, with feet propped up, and keyboard in my lap. I want the same arrangement at home - to be able to elevate my feet and prevent swelling, and a 30” to 40” monitor with good clarity so I can sit back and still see what is typed with no eye strain. N tells me a TV may do it. Somewhere, money for what is needed and/ or a used or affordable quality monitor will surface!

Wednesday morning Heather took me through second time line to ask once more about eyes and shoulder. Cataract surgery here or in US? Dr. Augusto was incorporated. He took my hand, looked in my eyes, looked deeply at me, and said to Heather with a big smile, “I like her very much!”  That made me smile, of course. I like him very much too!

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He sent me for a crystal bath and back to 2 o'clock line. That whole line was then sent to surgery. So this was my third surgery in three weeks, which is unprecedented for me. He usually says “sit in my current; I am working on you there.” So I usually spend most of my 5 weeks here sitting in the Entity's Current. So here it is two days post surgery. I slept all day yesterday. This morning I packed, with Y's loving help. And now I am typing with a patch over the right eye to protect it; it's very light-sensitive and is swollen. I can see about 1/3 of the usual, which is poor to begin with (20/200 vision in that eye with glasses). But I'm delighted he worked on it. So I will limit writing here, finish my packing and take a nap.

The Entities have given me much love this year; Dr. Valdivino's “She is a very loving person” said to Heather as he blessed my upcoming work and offered support, and now Dr. Augusto's “I like her very much” said to Heather as he held my hand and smiled at me.  Interesting that this acknowledgement of me comes after my statement that I feel invisible here, unknown by the Entities, and that my skills are not recognized or utilized.  I have been told I am a “Daughter of the Casa” and Casa Medium, but never seated in a any place for Mediums or given any responsibilities.  That's not entirely accurate. Occasionally Dr. Augusto has come onto the stage, said “I need the Mediums in my Current now”, and even taken me by the hand and led me there. But my work here is healing and being a guide, not mediumship, and that's what I'm here to do.

Nap time. We leave for the airport after dinner. I'll go to the casa this afternoon.  I'll write more inner thoughts on the plane or at home.

1 Dhammapada