0209to13 15 journal

Feb 9-13 journal

Days have passed without writing. No time in this middle period with the group. And I can't get on to wi-fi to place the Feb 8 journal already done. I'll write and put them up when I can. (I finally did get on after the storm passed)

The wedding was lovely. I am very moved to see these two beautiful people marry. I'm not going to take time to write about it here, not for lack of importance but no time. I'll try to come back to it. For now I'll leave you with the image of Darcie on John's lap, both radiant,  in his wheelchair with a "Just married " sign on the back, flying a hundred yellow balloons and Casa water bottles tied on and trailing behind.

Three people arrived Monday. Wedding. Some went to waterfall. I'm really not sure what we did Tuesday. I did go for a swim, in a light rain. Delightful! I took the new people to the Casa. Shopped with some for crystals. Rested a lot. That's all I remember.

Yesterday, second time line. Pain has been up and down – shoulder, back, knee- with no permanent improvement. Heather was to take me but was not there so I went through with Diego. The Entity didn't really give him time to say anything though; he (the Entity)  just said "sit in my Current," not unkindly, and passed me through. I sat in his Current the rest of the morning and all afternoon. Pain came and went. I was feeling sadness, anger, frustration, grasping... all understandable emotions. Yes I do trust the work here and know they are helping me. By the end of Current though, I was exhausted from shoulder and back pain, and when I started to walk out of the room my knee throbbed with each step.

As I came into the main hall, a woman I did not know, sitting on a bench, reached for my hand, much love in her eyes, and thanked me for Cosmic Healing, told me the book had changed her life, had brought her to the Casa, and about her healing. There was no one signing for me but I got the gist of it. This was the second time on Wednesday for this kind of conversation, and it happens very regularly here. They all describe their healing. Then I ask myself, why do I not heal? I do want to be clear there's not pain 24/7. Right now, I feel okay. But it returns. There's no real improvement with any of it, shoulder, back, knee, sinus, foot veins... or hearing.

I came back to my room feeling tired and with a crisis of faith. I no longer believe I am unloved, or that it is my fault, that something's wrong with me. But I do feel sad and frustrated. After dinner I had a good talk about it with Amy and Markus. I appreciate their friendship. Why do others heal? Why do I not heal? What is healing? I'm back to the basic questions.

So I'll start with today. I have only 5 more minutes until lunch so won't get much written. I was going to stay here this afternoon, take a long nap and rest on my bed with the Current, and journal, but Heather said she was free to talk at 1:30 down at the Casa so I'll go down. I'll write when I return.

5PM now, and there's an hour until dinner. There are two bright humming birds on the bottle-brush plant out the window, flitting from flower to flower. It's a hot, sunny day.

I met Heather at 1:30 (Heather is my friend and mentor down here, a senior Casa guide and translator for Joao; She also came to Michigan some years ago and co-led a Venture Fourth weekend with me and Aaron, teaching shamanism).

I told her what I was experiencing, a lot of pain and seeming failure  to heal. This morning sitting in Current all morning I had more clarity. Aaron reminded me, "if you disembark in an unknown city, and are picked up by a loving driver, you tell him the destination of your choice and leave the route to him. You do not know the city. You, Barbara, do not know the big picture of your healing, only this moment. If you trust these entities, and I know you do, just repeat your destination, sit back, and allow them to bring you through.  Your part is to clarify your destination. " I realized (and this is consistent with what I began to see with Amy and Markus last night) that I needed to let go of how this is supposed to unfold. Heather said, it sounded to her that I do have trust in the process, not a crisis of faith but rather, just overwhelmed by the pain and lack of sleep, that has been ongoing much of the past year. She suggested I ask the Entity for help with pain. Interestingly, I have never done that, just "please fix this...."

Through the 2nd time line: He said he is helping me with the body areas and with the pain. Healing will be gradual. Each time I take the herbs, spend a few moments focusing on the request to release pain. I understand I was trying to tell the driver the route, rather than just naming the destination and letting go. The body will heal as it is able, and with much loving support.

Friday before lunch now. I wish I had time to write more. Last night after dinner I led a "pole meditation" for some of the group, we talked for a while, answered questions, and then to bed. There's a brilliant greenbeija –flor (hummingbird) flitting around the red flowers out my window!

Yesterday after Current and again last night I did as the Entity suggested and asked for help with pain. Since I went through the line, there has been little pain. I fell asleep easily about 9:30. I half woke, still in a dream, at 1:30 AM. In the dream I was sitting in the Current room and someone tapped me and said the Entity wanted me (this has happened a few times in actuality; usually he sent me to surgery). In the dream I asked "Eu retorno?"  (will I return, wondering if I needed to bring my things) and was told to leave everything. As I approached the Entity or he approached me, I suddenly came more awake and realized I was in bed and dreaming. But he was very much there. I was immediately told to lie still and keep eyes closed.  I asked permission to get up and use the bathroom, was told yes, but no diversions, come right back to bed.

Back in bed in 30 seconds, I immediately felt high energy and pressure too. Those who have been here know this energy; very high vibration, bringing feelings of deep joy and peace. Then he began to gently manipulate my left arm. I have been able to lie down with the palm face down but not to turn it face up without sharp pain in the shoulder and tendon pain running through the whole arm. As soon as there was pain, he stopped turning the arm and I felt pressure and energy on the shoulder. He moved it again as the pain released; repeatedly for about  6 to 10 minutes. I could feel energy sensations, pressure, and a feeling of stretching the joint gently, opening space in it, maybe adding something inside???  I don't know.  He spent some time at the top of the shoulder where it has been very tender to touch,  perhaps where the flap is torn that is meant to hold the bicep tendon in its groove. After, he said "no reaching out or up, no sharp movements of this arm for a week." I may ride my bike as elbow is in. I may walk or float in water and move arm gently to the side, but not swim. No PT exercises for now. He moved on; I felt intense energy on my face where the sinus has been inflamed. Through the years I've learned how to make space for that high energy throughout the body, breathe in and open space, then again, and again, until I cannot hold any more. A few minutes; then he stopped. My sinus felt free of pain and still is 12 hours later. Some time of energy in body, (back?) knee. He said this is just a beginning. It must stabilize and he needs to see how it all is before he does more.  It is a healing process, not a one-time event, After about 20 to 30 minutes, he said, "done," his energy faded and I fell into a sound sleep and slept until my alarm at 6, free of pain.

This morning, there was almost no pain. I suppose it would hurt if I moved it sharply but am not doing that. There's a dull ache at times, very mild. I can turn it as he did last night without pain,

In Current this morning, I had a strong experience of my higher self, who I know as Aasha.(This is the highest spirit aspect of my being, who is soul mate to Aaron). Seeing that spirit body, unblemished, strong, radiant. She said, "This(meaning what I saw, her radiance) is you. The body has come into incarnation many times and picked up distortions, held them in the cellular tissue and karma in each cell. You have come to believe in an ultimate reality of these distortions. Now it is time to release them. Bemefor you are me! Be the fullness and allow the distortions to fade.  Why do you hold them?" There was more information I cannot write now, but basically an appreciation of the willingness of the human expression to enter each incarnation and try to live it with love. I felt a great sense of joy/love/ gratitude/ connection from her.

It is 1:30. Last night the Entity who came said to go to his Current this morning, and to rest in bed with the Current this afternoon, but "no diversions" by which I'm sure he meant, no journaling, game playing, email, reading, just rest for these 2 ½ hours in his Current. Sleep is fine. So it's time to close this and follow instructions. I think he will do more.

I slept from about 1:45 to 3:30. No dreams, no strong sense of spirit presence, no pain. I rested in bed another hour and for part of that time, felt his strong presence. It felt like he was working on my back. Now up and typing; no pain. Dinner and some dharma sharing with the group.