02 18to19 2015 journal

I'll start a new journal entry for today, Feb. 18. Today is Ash Wednesday and the morning Current was 5 hours and 20 minutes!

The first 2 hours were quiet meditation, then I fell asleep for ½ hour, went out to the bathroom, then some restlessness, then into a deep place. I spontaneously began to sing to myself to quiet the restlessness, first dharma chanting, and then I switched to "Silent Night. " As I sang that carol, the image of that night came up in a new way. I have seen it through Aaron's eyes, the boy on the hillside in his "Christmas Stories," and how he and his father went down in to the town. Suddenly I seemed to see it from a new perspective, as the father. It was a very strong past-life experience.

As a footnote added later, how does it feel to experience a past life? How do I 'know' it's real? First, I don't know the way I know food is hot or the rain is wet or the way I remember what I ate for dinner.  But there is a deep energetic resonance; it feels so familiar and memories come flooding back. Things seem to fall into place, a series of 'ah-ha' moments: "so that's how that was; that's why I feel this now...." My everyday mind is not creating the memories; there is no imaginative quality to them. It's as clear as a clear memory from this life, when I look back and see how something unfolded. I think the energetic movement is at the heart of my trust of it. I also must learn something valuable from seeing it, something which helps me with release of a present, unwholesome pattern, or the memory is not of value.

I have known little about Aaron's father in that lifetime. I knew I was born to be Aaron (Nathaniel)'s son Mark. When Mark was born, Nathaniel's father had been dead a long time.

Aaron tells us a little about his coming into incarnation as Nathaniel, and in 2006 refers to his (Nathaniel's)  father as "A beloved brother of spirit":

Dec 16, 2009: The one who would be my father in my lifetime as Jeshua's friend Nathaniel, came to me in meditation and asked me, Aaron, would you be ready to leave that incarnation and come forth as his son to help support the coming of the one to be known as Jeshua, to help prepare the world for His work?

My father-to-be made it clear that the life would not be easy. He was a shepherd and I also would be a shepherd. Much of our life would be spent in the hills. He felt that many shepherds had more ability than those who lived in the towns to understand these teachings of love. The shepherds who cared for the sheep, the shepherds who lived with simplicity and without a lot of material goods, often had deeper values. There was not so much materialism or greed or even hatred, but more ability to explore the deep mysteries.

So I agreed and the time passed for me to transition as Aaron and move into this new incarnation as Nathaniel. My father in that lifetime was not just a shepherd but was a teacher in the Essene school at Mt. Carmel. When I say teacher, many were teachers – teachers, learners, all together. Everybody learned and everybody taught, just as all of you are teachers and learners.

Part of our year was spent there with the Essene community and part of it was spent out in the hills with our sheep. The Essene community that supported Jeshua's birth was not just the community in Mt. Carmel but the wider Essene community and other brothers and sisters of light throughout the world, such as the Druids; these beings had carried on the teachings of light literally since the times of Lemuria. All of the mysteries and powers of those early times were not fully known but much was remembered, and there was a deep intention that these trainings not be lost....

Dec 6, 2006:(Aaron had been asked why he told us he was "a simple shepherd." )I want to confirm that in that lifetime I was a shepherd, despite the fact that I had Essene training. Most of my time was spent in the hills with the sheep and my fellow shepherds. I was a teacher whom they could trust. To do this work was the intention with which I moved into the incarnation, the intention with which I left the aged incarnation of Aaron and took rebirth.  I do want to apologize to any who felt deceived by this addition in my story. Deception was never my intention, only to honor His wish for privacy, and also to keep Him as the center of these stories, not myself.  It would have been far more skillful if, in 1990 when I made the statement that I had not known Him before the adult years, I had instead said I knew Him but was asked not to speak of those times. Because of that mis-statement, some people have asked if I have spoken less than truth elsewhere.  No. That was the only time where I spoke something to you that was not as I fully knew it. Please forgive me if I have caused you pain through that statement.

At the time of Jesus' coming, the earth was in a time of great darkness. I cannot say it was more filled with fear or hatred than at other times, but there was less recognition from people of their own light and less ability to bring forth that light in the world.

Picture yourself in a dark tunnel. You have a torch, a radiant lamp within the heart, that can burn outward and light the way, but it can only light up when you are not contracted with fear. Here you are in this dark tunnel. You're afraid. It's spooky. There are eerie noises. It's dank and damp. So you want to light the lamp and you contract more and more, saying, "I must bring forth light!" And of course, then you can't do it. Only when you relax into the true radiance of yourself does that light effortlessly shine forth. So the earth at that time was filled with people who had not yet learned how to relax into their own radiance and truth.

I first heard of His intention of coming a long time before He actually arrived, while in the lifetime in which I was Aaron, a very old man at that time of hearing, and yet still a vital man, for I had been trained in the ability to rejuvenate myself and live far beyond the expected human lifetime that you carry today.  A beloved brother of spirit came through to me in meditation and told me that in his part of the world, they were preparing for the coming of this blessed one, paving the way, so to speak. That brother was both an Essene scholar and teacher and a shepherd in the mountains. He invited me, if I was ready to leave my present incarnation - and I was, it is maybe hard for you to believe but I was close to 500 years old - he invited me to leave that incarnation as Aaron and come into a new birth with him as my earthly father. He believed the simple people who lived in the hills, the shepherds, the farmers, had more ability to open their hearts to the light, to their own radiance, as they were less influenced by the greed and fear of the cities, and more open to the natural world. He was very old and wanted to train someone to work with him and continue his work. I agreed. I had been thinking it was time to leave that incarnation of Aaron, time to move into a new way of service in the world.

So Aaron passed on, and I came into a new birth as a baby named Nathaniel. When I was 4 and 5 years old, there was much talk of the readiness of Him to come. My father took me with him to the Essene school at Mt Carmel, where I was too young to participate in any formal training but sat and listened and heard the preparations that were underway for this bringer of the teachings of light....

So in meditation during Current this morning, I suddenly realized I had also been Nathaniel's father, Aavram, the " beloved brother of spirit" who invited Aaron to come to earth at that time.  I have spelled in with two As here; it could also be Avram. When I ask, I get Aavram.

Trying to put the pieces together; Aaron and I are soul-mates, which fact I have known since soon after making conscious connection with him.  I know I was incarnate during at least part of the time when Aaron was Aaron, as Aasha (which is also the name of my higher self). In that lifetime I believe Aaron and Aasha were sister and brother, both celibate and in spiritual practice and/ or community, perhaps an Essene or Essene connected community. Aasha was not just higher self in that time, but a human incarnation, a very clear one, with very little distortion; a lot of the wisdom of Lemurian times is carried in her being, Dharma wisdom and Mother energy too. The past few weeks she has been talking to me often. I see her clearly, body not bent and distorted, standing tall; whole; free of pain, radiant, uncontracted. She keeps reminding me "You are me! Be me in the fullest ways."

I remind the readers of this journal that we each have such a clear, radiant  higher self. This is the sixth density aspect of our being.

So Aasha the woman left that incarnation at some point and incarnated as Aavram. Aaron tells me they were among a dedicated group of humans, in scattered places throughout the world,  holding the intention to prepare the earth to hold the high vibration of the Christ energy; Essene; Druid; and more. Perhaps your ancestors were part of this group too. These same humans had historical ties to Lemuria and the bringing of that energy and teachings to earth.  See the earth history transcripts on the Deep spring archiveshttp://archives.deepspring.org/Aaron/Special/Earth_History/

I asked Aaron why these human karmic ancestors were so advanced but later incarnations struggled with typical human issues of fear, emotions, etc. He said they came with this background, and the intention to prepare the earth for the changes His vibration would bring. They did not come at that time, with the intention to do personal work so much. They were advanced enough to put aside the karma and do what they came to do, but that did not fully release the karma (though it balanced some of it). That personal work could follow, as we are doing. He reminds me that he, Aaron, was very 'advanced' in that lifetime, but it was 1500 to 2000 more years more before he attained full liberation.

Aavram became a rabbi, but soon put aside the rituals of formal religion and took to the hills to become a shepherd. The Lemurian background and Dharma wisdom were there, accessible to him, and an ability to express the teachings of love and unity. He was humble and lived with the other shepherds, except for periods of teaching in the Essene school. He knew his wholeness; he was very powerful. He lived with Unconditional love.  Then he invited Aaron to come in, as Nathaniel, as his son, to continue his work. He was already quite old when Nathaniel was born, and lived only until Nathaniel was in his late teens.

I asked Aaron why Aavram did not restore himself to youth since he knew how. Aaron replied, because the work to prepare earth for the Christ consciousness had been done, and now it was time for Mark to incarnate to begin that portion of the work, which other expression and now I as Barbara presently continue. Now there was a new vibration on earth, one that makes it easier for us all to release old karma and awaken.  Dialogue below:

B asking Aaron, why didn't Aavram use his skills to extend his life?

Aaron: because there were unhealed areas of karma that he could not access as Aavram. He transitioned and took rebirth again in a new form, as Mark.

Barbara: So Mark was born to try to address and purify the distortions?

Aaron: yes.

B: But he could not do it.

Aaron: no, he could not, so the work passes on down to the later incarnations, and to you now. Now this is your work, first to finally release those distortions and second, to know and live the wholeness of Aavram; then to teach others to do so.

B: Aaron, you know this scares me. As I saw today in current, I am Aasha and Aavram, but I am also the distortions and they are not yet purified. I can't hold that power until they are purified.

Aaron: This brings us full circle to the akashic field work.

(see archives:http://archives.deepspring.org/Aaron/Akashic/   )

There is nothing left to purify except the belief that there is. Be Aasha fully. Be Aavram. Know their wholeness, unlimited power and the power of their unconditional love. Then the distortions cease to exist.

B: So the body pain, etc is part of the held distortions?

A: yes. As soon as you saw that in Current and opened yourself to being Aavram, the shoulder and back tension released.

B: I have been asking in current where my work is to take me. I understand pieces of it. I don't yet see the biggest picture, or have confidence in my ability to do it.

A: YOU are not doing it. You are the instrument through which it flows. Drop out the "me" and it will not be difficult. You have much assistance. Your work is just to develop so strong a response to negative catalyst that it prompts the heart to open, not to contract, yet if there is contraction, to hold that too in spaciousness. This is what you aspire to live and teach. This is the heart of the transition to higher consciousness. Why do you doubt?

B: I don't know.

A: Then let us leave this discussion there.  You will have assistance in current tomorrow.

B: There is one more thing. I know Mark was crucified, actually crucified upside down as the Roman soldiers were bored. He died in terrible pain and filled with hatred, anger, feelings of betrayal, and sense of failure that he had not been able to protect Jeshua. I assume these feelings are part of the karmic stream he came in, as Mark, to purify and failed to do so. That is, really, inadequacy and lack of wholeness and connection.

A: Yes.

B : I see that part of this failure was the attempt to do these things as Mark, rather than from the place of fullness and connection.

A: Yes. That is enough for now.

Thursday Feb. 19:

Last night  I had 2 nightmares (unusual as I rarely have nightmares):

1) I was trying to sleep in a strange place (by strange I mean, not home; a place for just the night) As soon as I closed my eyes, there were intense Lights, coming "after me" with negative intention, so it seemed. Fear arose and in the dream I tried to keep my eyes open, but could not do so, so I felt very vulnerable. Finally I said to whatever it was that seemed to be pursuing me, "You must go; you are suffering; you must return to the Light; I offer you my blessings" and then just allowed myself to sink into sleep, ignoring the continued lights. Sound sleep returned.

2) Later in the night I came half awake noting the presence of something very negative. In the dream, I opened my eyes to see a Demonic face staring at me over my bed. This may have been related to an email from a reader that I read just before going to sleep, describing her sense of possession by negative spirit, asking for help. I did not write her back last night (I have since) but spent a few minutes meditating, praying for her (or him, unsure by the name  from a European country)  and speaking to the negativity he/ she described, which is my usual response (such emails come in a few times a month). So aware this within the dream, first fear, then awareness of fear, then metta to the demonic face and to myself, still sleeping. I picked up a can of floral scented spray, told the negative entity it must go or I would spray it with rose scent, then began to spray it in the face when it persisted, repeating words of blessings: go to the light; you are loved; release. I was able to address it fully with love and free of fear. As I sprayed, the face took on many horrible looking aspects, rage, fear, hatred.... I continued to spray and to speak. It finally dissolved. I came awake in the end, continued to offer blessings and do metta for about 10 minutes, then sat up and meditated a bit. I am aware this is the Aasha/ Aavram aspect of me, that is capable to hold such pain and suffering without any contraction. Then I went back to sleep.

I was doing something parallel through the night with the body. Every time I came half awake with body pain (mostly just some tight sensation in the shoulder, but once in the back), conscious remind noted the reminder, "Be Aasha; be Aavram." I moved awareness to these bodies, free of distortion and invited the play of that body in this one; really just akashic field practice. It helps a lot to have an actual distortion free body I can experience, on which to base the practice.

This morning was another long Current, about 4 ½ hours. On one side of me a man about ½ again my size who moved a lot; on the other, a woman who insisted on keeping her large purse with long leather strap and metal buckles on the seat between us rather than putting it on the floor. I asked her twice to put it down; she said no. She was clearly attached to keeping it right by her side. There was a fourth person on the bench too, so we were crowded. About every 2 minutes she flipped the strap and buckles onto my left arm. Then the man jiggled, shook or coughed. It was pretty clear I was there to just practice metta for them and for me. I relaxed into it. Tensionless effort. No shoulder pain (or at least minimal).  This afternoon after lunch I stayed in my room, got into bed, slept soundly during the Current for two hours, then meditated, and now writing.

Evening now. We just had an hour of questions and talking with part of the group (4 have had interventions and are in bed). More to write but to bed and will write tomorrow. I'll post this much.