150613em Sat EveC. Aaron's talk on vipassana; includes raft guided meditation

June 13, 2015 Saturday Evening, Emrich Retreat

Aaron: My blessings and love to you all. I am Aaron. I wish you a good evening. I'm going to expand on my words of this afternoon.

We are here for a vipassana retreat. The wordpassana in the Pali language means seeing, to see.Vipassana means a deeper, clearer seeing. What do we see? We begin to see the nature of things from which our eyes have been clouded since before time. We begin to see, for example, how everything in our mundane world is arising out of conditions and is impermanent.

We say what arises is not of the nature of a separate self. What do I mean by that? This table, what is it? If it had 4 legs and no top, would it be a table? No. If it had a top but no legs, would it be a table? No. So we call this concept of some variable number of legs that support a flat top, a table. We can look at it and say, "I know what a table is. That's a table." But is it?

Thirty years ago it was probably a tree. Why call it a table? Well, it's put together in a configuration that we're habituated to call "table". But right there in the table, can you see the tree? Look at the wood, look at the wood grain; can you see the tree? If you can see the tree, certainly you can see the sunshine, the rain, the soil, out of which that tree sprouted and grew to a size that it could be cut down and harvested for its lumber. Can you see the lumberman  who cut the tree? Can you see the cow in his parents' barn that gave him milk so he grew strong, to be able to cut trees? Can you see his mother who fed him milk, who nurtured him, and his father, who taught him how to use his axe? They're all here in the table. So when we say it does not have the nature of a separate self, there's nothing you can point to and say, "That and only that is the table."

This is true of the entire conditioned realm. Everything is constantly interactive, and there's nothing you can point to and say, "This is this, separate from everything else." If anger arises in you, do you say, "I am anger."? Instead, "I am experiencing the emotion of anger in me right now. It has arisen from conditions. I will take care of my anger. I will not inflict it on others. But I am not my anger , which is just energy. I am responsible to it. I take care of it."

Everything in the mundane world– material objects, physical sensations, thoughts, feelings, and emotions, all of it – is arising out of conditions and passing away. All of you are here at the retreat because you have some intention to live your lives more skillfully and with more love. I'm not saying that's the only reason why you're here. Maybe you've been suffering intensely and friends have said, "Why don't you try meditation?" Maybe you have severe physical pain or emotional pain. But along with the intention to move through your suffering and find a way out of it, I know that all of you are here with a sense of love in your heart. Some of you have learned how to manifest that love very well, and some of you have not really been able to do that, to this point in your lives. But the aspiration is there, to live with more kindness, to live with love, to live with an open heart; to not contribute to the suffering in the world.

So we come to a meditation retreat and you might say, "Now I'm going to learn how not to be angry, not to be sad, not to be in pain." That doesn't work. How can you stop the anger or the pain or the confusion? Instead we come and say, "My intention is to see how these arise in me, and out of what conditions, what helps their release, and even more important, who I am when I am not so self-identified with these." What is this table when it's not identified with a table? Let's say it had a consciousness and it said, "I am a table! I am a table!" No, you're the sunshine. You're the fresh air. You're the rain. You're the oceans. You're the love that planted you. You're all of these things.

What are you when you're not so intent on being whatever your name may be? When you move past the emotions and thoughts, all the old conditioning, what remains? Who are you, really?

Our vipassana practice gives us a chance to investigate this. The practice – it will be taught in appropriate-level instruction periods – essentially we start with one object we call a primary object. It may be the breath. It may be light or energy or sound, an inner sound, nada, the "cosmic OM". We pay attention to this object. You may think, "Oh, I'll pay attention to that for 45 minutes, several times a day, and by the end of the week I'll be enlightened!" It is not so easy!

We do not try to force attention to stay with the primary object. If something pulls our attention away from the object, we move gently to it. We call this "choiceless awareness," not preferring one object to the other but connecting and staying with the object that's predominant. So first it's the breath and then, perhaps, like earlier today the lawnmower was running. Hearing that roaring sound–"lawnmower, lawnmower, hearing, hearing." We see contact; consciousness of the contact; and perception. And then it goes off into the distance and it's gone. When hearing is predominant, just hearing. When the lawnmower is gone, can you let go of it, or are you sitting there saying, "It's still somewhere in the distance. What if it comes back? I don't want to focus on my breath again because then the lawnmower will jar me out of it again." The lawnmower isn't bothering you; your thoughts are bothering you. This is the stage of 'feelings' of pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. Then come mental formations. You begin to gain insight into what's keeping you from being centered and at ease?

There are millions of "lawnmowers" in your life, those things that come along and seem to bother you. The mosquito–bzzzz--buzzing. "How can I meditate when the mosquito is buzzing?" Well, the mosquito is just being a mosquito. It's your mind that's stopping you from being calm and at ease and meditating. But also, if you hear-- hearing, hearing, mosquito buzzing, perception-- it's not an unpleasant sound. But if you don't like the mosquito buzzing, or fear it may bite, you'll experience that sound as unpleasant. Then aversion arises.

People come to me at that point and say, "I can't meditate, Aaron, because my mind keeps moving." But this IS meditation, to be present with what is predominant in this moment, and to understand deeply how you are relating to it–with contraction, with separation, or with spaciousness and ease.

As we meditate, so many of the habitual tendencies begin to surface. For some of you, one thing is easy; for others, another thing is easy. And the same with being hard–for some of you, certain experiences are very difficult. Then mind may tend to move into the habitual story, "Oh, I'm just not any good. I can't learn this new practice. What's wrong with me?" Or another one might say, "Look how well I'm doing this! I'm wonderful!" Looking around, "Other people are squirming. I'm better than everybody else." These are just habitual tendencies arising.

The next step for some of you is to say, "I shouldn't be thinking this. I shouldn't have thoughts of unworthiness. I shouldn't have thoughts of superiority. I have to fix these!" Such thoughts are just another object. Can you let go? Be present with it. See how it arises out of conditions and passes away. When the thought, "I'm not good enough," passes away, what remains? When the thought, "I have to be best," arises and then passes away, what remains?

Our practice gives us a chance to explore all of this, or habitual relationships and reactions. It takes a lot of courage to look at your self that honestly. The courage must be paired with compassion. To simply look at your self honestly can become a way of being brutal to your self. It can lead into fix-it schemes. But when there's deep compassion for this human who for so long has experienced feelings of unworthiness, for example, and yet has decided, "Maybe that's enough. Maybe I'm ready not to deeply engage in those stories anymore," there's a whole new world of freedom. I don't have to do this again and again and again. So your practice creates freedom in this way.

To move past these habitual stories is the route of beginning to find out who you are when you're not caught in who you thought you were, to find out who you truly are. And who you are is a beautiful thing. I promise you, you are all radiant and beautiful.

So we practice in this way with vipassana, noting what has arisen, watching it pass away; aware of how we habitually relate to pleasant or unpleasant objects; aware of the body energy of armoring the self and contracting, or of the opposite, of not only refusing to armor the self, which refusal is healthy, but refusing to shield the self.

Do you understand the difference between armor and shield? If they tell me a rainstorm is coming, and I have a cave and I go into the cave and brick myself in, the rain's not going to touch me. I'm safe from the rain. That's armoring. But I'm also locked into a cave. If they say rain is coming and I get my umbrella and put it up, and when the rain passes I close the umbrella, that's shielding. It's appropriate to use some means to keep the rain off. That's kindness to the self. Can you feel how one chooses the umbrella out of love, not out of fear, whereas one moves into the cave out of fear? So we begin to explore how we make choices out of love or out of fear, and begin to find that wecan choose love. We don't have to become caught in the habitual stories of fear.

Fear is a habitual tendency for so many of you. And then the strong statement, "I won't be afraid!" Well, what are you going to do with the fear, then? If fear has arisen, does it help to say, "I won't be afraid,"? I think of the song, "I Whistle a Happy Tune." Can you whistle the fear away? Well, to some degree you can, yes. But there's a difference. The whistler is not saying, "I won't be afraid! I won't be afraid! I won't be afraid!" The whistler is shifting into a place of joy through the music, through whistling. That which is aware of fear is not afraid. The whistler comes back to rest in that place which is truly not afraid, bringing in balance.

The balancing will be different for different of you. For one who is afraid or sad or angry, it might be singing or whistling. For another it might be a walk in the woods. For one it might be talking to a friend; for another, sitting silently for some time, indoors or in nature. What brings balance?

The effort is an uncontracted effort. I think it's really about recognizing the quality and texture of the effort. Is it made based on old conditioning, on eons of I should/I shouldn't/you should/you shouldn't? Is that the ground of the effort? Or is this loving heart that deeply aspires to do no harm in the world, to do only good, to be of service to all beings, is this the one who is directing the show?

So through this week we're going to keep inviting you to reconnect with the loving heart, to find the ground from which you practice, the deep intention to love, to non-harm. So many of you come to practice with the statement, "There's so much suffering in the world and I must alleviate that suffering." "There's so much hatred in the world, and I hate hatred. I want to get rid of hatred in the world." It doesn't work. The effort is not balanced in love. So a lot of your practice here is to release imbalance within yourself so that you are then able to bring true lovingkindness to the world.

Imagine somebody who lived near the ocean and said, "I see so much suffering. I see a lot of people drowning. I see terrible things happening. I'm going to alleviate this. This is going to be my life work." Somebody says, "Well, they're giving a lifeguard course down the road. Why don't you take it?" "Oh no, I don't want to be a lifeguard. I want to alleviate suffering." Months, even years, go by, this person still determined, "I'm going to alleviate suffering, pain in the world." And then one day he's walking down the beach and he hears somebody screaming. "My child! He is being pulled into the deep water. He's out there, way out there! I can't reach him. Help me! Help me!" She comes up to you, shakes you. "Swim out and get him!" "Oh, I don't know how to swim."

Well, this is what practice is about. You're all learning how to swim; how to attend within yourself so that you can bring the power of that loving intention and attention to the world. You are learning not to get caught in the suffering of the world and be part of the suffering, but how to truly alleviate the suffering, starting in yourselves. It's a beautiful practice.

I said earlier today that your earth is going through a transition. Through the years of the Dark Ages and into medieval times, the primary policy of the world was "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth." It was very savage, with very little compassion. Gradually this shifted. Jeshua, two thousand years ago, helped to move this shift. The Buddha of course helped to move it. Each great Master coming in in his own time has helped to forward this shift, inviting people to be less self-centered, to give deeply to the world from love. Each Master has demonstrated tools, such as the Buddha offering us vipassana and other practices, Jeshua's words, simply, "Love one another. " How do we love one another? So we put them together. Love one another, but practicing in this way. Learning where love truly is and what blocks the expression of love, allows us to truly love one another and the self. .

I'm not going to ask that you believe in reincarnation, but from my perspective obviously it's true or I wouldn't be here speaking through Barbara. So it's not a question for me. From my perspective, you have all lived many times, and you keep coming back again and again because you're trying to master this process. Where there is fear, hatred, greed, and negativity, how do I bring loving kindness? What do I do about myself, about the habits of contraction and narrow thinking? By learning what I do about myself, I learn what I do about the world. How do I recognize the innate radiance that is my true nature? By recognition of that radiance I begin to recognize the potential for that radiance, really the already-existent radiance in the world. And then I'm in a much better position to draw forth that radiance and invite others also to express it.

It's not about you. You are one piece of this whole movement either toward negative or toward positive polarity, either toward increasing fear and hatred, armoring and separation, or toward opening and connection and love. Your practice gives you the tools to do this. You arenot helpless against the enormous violence and fear in the world, because no moment of openhearted loving kindness is ever wasted or irrelevant.

You are so powerful, if you only understood how powerful you are. But you're afraid to be so powerful because you have not fully resolved the negative emotions. If you're that powerful, and anger comes up, you could destroy everything. So there's fear to let yourself know your true power, your magnificence. But you are that. And you can choose to use this retreat as a time to come to know that nature in yourself and bring it forth more fully in the world.

I'm going to switch tracks here a bit. We're going to move into a guided meditation. I've been speaking about conditioning and how deeply conditioned most of you are. I'd like you to close your eyes here. We're going to go on a rafting trip down a river.

Each of you has your own small raft and a paddle. The river will have some rapids in it, but nothing unsurmountable, except you will need to watch out for this: at one point about half way down the river there's a fork. You must pay attention. You will need to swing right and into a more open and gradual descent, because if you go left you will go past large rocks, and down some steep waterfalls. You come to a pool at the bottom where the two paths converge. Are you ready? Climb in your raft. Let's begin to paddle.

Quiet water here. The current so mild that you actually do have to paddle to make progress. Here it is a wide river  with beautiful forests on either side. Gradually the forest closes in, the river narrows. It begins to descend, moving faster. Small Class I rapids, nothing you can't easily navigate. But there's a bit of an adrenaline rush going through these small rapids, past beautiful scenery on one side, a cliff wall rising on the other side; beautiful trees, animals. The woods are filled with evergreens, and here a flaming red grove of sumac, with brilliant colors. Everything changes around every bend. It's really entrancing.

Don't forget the warning that half way down, the river will divide. I'm going to warn you now: we're approaching that spot-- pay attention. You're going to need to paddle to the right. I'm in the lead-- follow me. When you see me go right, you go right. Paddle hard. It won't be too difficult. As long as you're paying attention, you can get into that right fork.

Paddling, drifting with the water... And now here we are at the place where you must start to paddle to the right. But in this moment, suddenly there's a hornet circling your head, buzzing at you! There are two or three of them. Can you feel your contraction around them, wanting to slap them away? Ducking your head, covering your face. It's an habitual reaction to something that's attacking you. And whoops, you've drifted into the left channel. It's too late to paddle right now.

Here come the waterfalls–crash! Bang! Bruising yourself against rocks, a few scrapes. Here you are at the bottom, in the still pool. Are you ready to try it again? Let's load our rafts into the trucks, and take them back up to the top of the mountain.

Climb in, and down we go again. I remind you: now you know exactly where that channel is, where you have to bear right. Do you think you can get it this time? Everybody, do you think you can get it?

On we go. Through that quieter part of the river and then descending a bit. The flaming colors. The beautiful scenery. Approaching the fork in the river. Getting ready to paddle right. Starting to paddle, when whoosh! A big fish jumps out! Probably 3 or 4 feet long, a huge fish. Startled! And off you go to the left again. Crashing down the waterfall. More bumps and bruises and scrapes. Did "It's not fair!" arise in your mind?

The trucks are waiting to carry us up again. Are you with me? Up to the top again. Climbing in your raft, fasten tight. Down we go. "This time I know I've got it. Nothing is going to distract me." Down you go. Beautiful scenery, small rapids, birds flying overhead, so beautiful. Coming down to that fork, and I'm warning you we're approaching it–pay attention. Pay attention.

But you've been holding yourself with so much tension this time, getting ready for that place where you have to bear right, that suddenly your shoulders are cramped. There's a strong cramp, can't paddle–ouch! And off you go to the left, the current carrying you down again.

Again, did "Not fair!" come up? "Not my fault. The whole system is skewed. It's not my fault." This is how life is, of course. Everything is constantly changing. We have some control over what happens to us, but we don't always have control. We go out for a picnic and it pours. We plan a trip and the plane can't take off because it's snowing, or there's a mechanical failure. We miss getting to our destination. We end up someplace on the other side of the country. Not what I wanted.

Now let's try this one more time. Let go of "It's not my fault" or "It is my fault;" no fault, just the constant movement of conditions arising and passing away. Can I be in this moment with whatever conditions arise and know that I am responsible for how I respond to those conditions, and that I have the capacity to respond with loving kindness, with wisdom, with compassion?

Paddling down, water flowing. Again approaching that turn-off. In that moment, a fish jumps. Noting "fish, fish." In that moment a loud thunderclap claps–noise, sound. In that moment, tension of shoulders. Noting pain. Noting each object as it arises and coming back to this moment, flowing down this river of life. Choosing to make appropriate, wholesome, loving choices regardless of the catalyst. There is always going to be some catalyst, some challenge. Sweep your paddle around, and off you go into that right channel.

Ahhh, the current is fast enough to take you down this meandering stream., with very little effort on your part. Beautiful colored parrots are on the shore, and brightly colored flowers. The stream flows smoothly. Come down to this final calm place at the bottom. Watch the turmoil where the waterfall that took you before pours out. Youcan choose this beautiful path. It takes presence. It takes intention to respond in a loving way. It takes practice in how to make that response. It takes patience with yourself when in the beginning you make the old conditioned response and end up tumbling over the rocks, bleeding and in pain.

But gradually you learn how to do it. We get in that truck, we go up again. This time you're really ready for it. No matter what comes up, you know how to turn off to the right-hand fork. Just at the crucial moment, a plane flies overhead, breaking the sound barrier–zoom! Hearing, hearing–off you go, right. You set your intention and you trust your ability to follow that intention. You don't have to crash over the rocks.

You may open your eyes...

This is the basis of our practice. When you learn how not to crash over the rocks, then you can become a model to others. Using that as metaphor, when you learn how not to be reactive to anger, to fear, to greed, to impatience, to confusion, but to hold them in a loving space, not denying that these have arisen but not taking them so personally, then you begin to be a model for others. People begin to see, here's a person who's always so patient. How do you do it? Or without even asking, they just watch what you do. Here is a person who I see gets angry but doesn't lash out with anger. If it's possible for her, it's possible for me.

Gradually we learn that what we do, how we are responsible to what arises within us, has power in the world, either power for the negative or power for the positive. Powerful to bring us further into a narrow track of darkness, or to open further and further into the light. This practice is so beautiful; this dharma is so beautiful. And I delight that we will practice it together in the coming days.

I would like to ask all of you to reflect for a few minutes while we sit here: what is your highest intention for this retreat? I don't want to set up a grasping, "I'm going to fix anger in myself," just a simple intention. To come out of the retreat a little more present in each moment, so that I'm not so reactive. To come out of the retreat with a little less separation of others and myself so I can be more compassionate to all.

Offering intention because intention is important. This is not a plan; this is an intention. An intention gives you a ground to stand on so that when there's a strong intention to take the right-hand fork and there's pain in the shoulders, you remember, ""My intention is to take the right-hand fork." Or, as parallel, "My intention is not to lash out and hurt others, even when anger has arisen. I have the capacity to do this, because," as I remind you, "I am a divine radiant spirit. I am powerful. I am a being of love." Yes, I'm putting words in your mouth. You are all powerful. You are all beings of love and of light.

So let's build on that through this week. Remembering who you are, and that all of the old conditioned tendencies are really that. They do not define you, and you do not have to be stuck in them. You are powerful, and you are love.

I thank you for your time and attention. We'll end here.

(session ends)