Venture Fourth Weekly Work
Week Nine Oct 4

Week 9 Oct 4^th, 2009:

Change of plan: this week we will work with integrity.

This quality is not in the book but I've been exploring it a lot this past week here at Omega with John of God. It also feels important to the development of the "Intention to service" / "Bodhisattva Vow"/ Inner statement that you will make for yourself at Intensive two, and for which I want to start more specific preparations in the next week or two.

What is Integrity? How do we work with it? Please read my journal below for some ideas.

090929 Omega/ John of God:

After yesterday's afternoon session Dorothy (a dear friend from the Casa who lives in Brazil) and I went back to her room and talked for a long time. It's good to see her and we shared deeply.

I told her about VF in more detail, as it was just shaping up when I last saw her in February. We talked about the list of qualities. One of the areas we discussed is integrity, how that has become priority for both of us, and the challenges it can present. I was looking more at it in Current this morning. For me, integrity combines respect, humility, responsibility, honor, honesty and compassion, and can only be found in that space of emptiness.

I don't have a dictionary here, but I'd guess that integrity, integrate and integral have common roots. So integrity asks us to integrate many qualities and find the core. After looking at integrity for 2 days, and with Aaron, we have decided to have VF work with it the week of Oct 4, and then move back to the book.

I have a strong sense of responsibility to the students in VF, and also to my mother. I must act responsibly to both students and mom, and also to myself and to Hal. That means I must not dismiss anyone, not ignore anyone, including myself, or as Aaron sometimes puts it, not put anyone out of my heart. I feel myself pulled as I receive the VF weekly journals and want to reply immediately, yet there is no time to do so. When I talk to Mom and she expresses doubts and fear, and wishes I was there, I want to rush off to her. Aaron pointed out to me the habitual response to want to run in and 'rescue,' to take care of everything. When that response arises, there is often contraction, a "someone" who has to fix. When self opens into spaciousness, there is trust that each being is able to do his/ her own work, and that while I may guide, (as with VF group and with mom) each being is ultimately responsible for itself. When I rush in, it gives a message that I don't fully trust their ability to do so.

Integrity then asks that I notice any fear or contraction, and even while that may be present, I respond from the spaciousness, love and clarity of emptiness. Integrity and self-identified contraction cannot co-exist. There may be contraction, but it is just noted as arising and empty, without self-identification.

Last night Aaron was speaking to Dorothy and me and said to me, (paraphrased; he was not incorporated), "Trust that everything is perfect. Your mother's needs give you the time restriction so you must pull back some energy, and that means the group members must each more deeply do their own work. You have just led a program to help them open to their deeper guidance. Now trust their ability to do so. They have the answers; you do not need to supply them all. And your mother must find her own inner strength, knowing that you have not abandoned her, but that you trust that strength."

Finally, Aaron pointed out that without this situation I would have reverted to my habit to try to do it all myself. I had to ask Susie and Jill (my adult nieces) and Davy (my son) to help and they have leaped in joyfully, taking much adult responsibility (well, they are all in mid 30s to early 40s so why am I surprised they are can function as responsible adults) and choreographing a beautiful "move Mom" dance that everyone feels so good about. It has brought the family together, and each has learned that they can do things they didn't think they could; it has brought us together in a joyful way.

In Current this morning I was looking at integrity and intention. I've always promised Mom I would do whatever was needed to help her and take care of her, when she expressed fears of aging and the vulnerability it brought. I had a clear intention with VF, about the meetings, interactions, teachings and program. Life happens, sometimes with challenging timing, and we don't control it all. Then I was feeling guilty because I could not do what I promised. But integrity must contain the humility to know we're not always in control and to surrender gracefully.

It must also be respectful of myself, as per the decision NOT to fly directly to Florida from Omega, but to go home Friday night, have a day at home to rest, do laundry, and take a walk or nap, before heading off to Florida on Sunday.

So what is integrity? Perhaps, to act and speak with as much honesty, respect and compassion as is possible, holding true to one's intentions but with the flexibility to make room for change; not to do battle with what arises but to flow with grace, but without letting go of the intention, just seeing it take different shape. So it involves letting go as well as holding firm, and asks grace and flexibility. It asks faith! It never violates ones deepest principles. It always honors both self and other.

Please look at these many aspects of integrity. What is its opposite? What is its near enemy, that poses as it? What strengthens it? What weakens it? And what might this quality have to do with the taking of the "Bodhisattva Vow" or "Intention to service for the highest good"? Finally, how does it relate to faith?

Moving on:

In your journals, several of you asked a similar question. One person phrased it thus:

I find it a bit confusing applying these practices. Sure they feel great. Being filled with gratefulness and compassion is a pleasant experience. But at this moment I'm confused how that does anything but continue the chain of dependent origination: Sense base, sense contact, feeling, craving. There's no relief from conditions just because pleasant feelings are present instead of unpleasant feelings. Yes, pleasant is more spacious than unpleasant. So maybe it's closer to freedom, but closer isn't cutting it today.

As I work with these traits, I'm increasingly aware of how the core trait can only exist as an expression of emptiness. I was looking at that with integrity today. When there is someone trying to act with integrity, contraction comes. There is a self choosing 'this' over 'that'. But when I rest in the spacious emptiness of no-self, just resting in love and awareness, all of these traits reveal themselves as innate to our being, empty. This is Aaron's 'That which is aware of anger is not angry..." and so forth. In Pure Awareness, we find that which is not even innately "loving" but which is Love; that which is not "being mindful" but is Awareness, pure presence.

We started with humility and seeing that it was between arrogance and low self esteem, and was egoless. All the traits are. As we develop the ability to rest in, and to recognize these traits at their deepest, clearest level, we also become increasingly able to recognize the periods of egolessness and rest there. This is where we find freedom, and also where we can act in the world without creating new karma for ourselves or others.

Aaron and my hope is that as you practice with these traits, there will be increasing awareness of these times of egoless presence, and increasing ability to live from there This is the ending of development of new unwholesome karma.

Meanwhile, we do practice with nurturing the wholesome and releasing the unwholesome, while aware that this is a relative plane practice, still coming from a self. Yes, it is easier to move from a wholesome "self" into no self than from an unwholesome "self." The karmic web is less dense. So it's a kind of dance we do on both relative and ultimate levels, doing the daily work with relative practice and then finding the times when the ultimate Pure Awareness opens and we are just there, briefly or stably, resting in spaciousness, kindness, patience, joy, and so forth.