Venture Fourth Weekly Work
Bodhisattva Vow

Excerpt from Manna in the Wilderness:

At an extended personal retreat just after this surgery, a very profound meditation experience supported a more conscious and spiritually mature response to negative habit energy. Within the meditation I chose to make a vow of service to all beings, and saw immediately that if I was to live that vow, I had to constantly watch and release attachment to these old negative habits of the mind, in order to remember my commitment.

In the meditation I spontaneously began to offer the intention to allow that wholeness for the good of all beings. I began to pray for help. A recent dream had me literally sitting in the shit of my old beliefs of shame and limitation. I felt ready to strongly commit to a more mature knowledge of wholeness, yet I didn't know how to proceed.

As soon as I began to meditate, I felt myself surrounded by a loving circle of beings I saw as "elders." Feeling very young, I stated my intention, to begin to live my wholeness for the good of all beings. I asked if I might join the circle. I had a sense that I didn't need anyone else's permission, that the decision was mine but that I must understand what I had asked.

What followed was not my imagination, but the fruit of a deep meditation process. I was conscious, but not experiencing from the personality self. Instead, a deeper awareness participated. A voice asked, "who speaks for this being?" All week I had been rescuing ladybugs trapped inside windows, catching and releasing them. The ladybugs through their deva spoke first, saying that I had been showing them great kindness all week. Then a spider spoke and said that I had done great injury to their kind whenever they approached me. I was asked, not verbally but with some inward gesture, whether I found this to be true. There was no need to offer excuses. I just said "yes." The one who seemed to be the central speaker said "these balance and will be put aside. Does someone else speak for this being?"

I understood clearly that I was not being judged. The evidence of my life was being offered to me for my own evaluation, to decide for myself if I were ready for what I had proposed. This self honesty was vital to the process.

A student, unrecognizable as to whom, spoke of all I had given. But I had to say that I had sometimes also acted from ego, and felt like I had occasionally used people for my own ego needs. Again the words, 'these balance and will be put aside. Does anyone else speak for this being?"

One son spoke about what a loving mother I had been. Another son spoke of his anger at me and the voice said that these issues were more his than mine, although of course I was imperfect in my mothering. There was no further "other side" offered. It was just left to rest there.

My old dog Beau spoke, talking of how my patient kindness had taught him love, he who had been so abused and was initially so afraid of people. I heard, "This is noted with joy."

Hal spoke of all that I had given him and the ways I had harmed him. It was clear that there was growth and the harm wasn't offered as objection. I could see what it cost him, because to offer this assessment of me, he had to speak from a place of his own dawning responsibility.

Through this process came the clarity that I was not supposed to be perfect. The question being raised was whether I now had sufficient maturity to live a vow to relinquish the "brokenness" and armoring, whether I could actually live what I proposed or whether I needed more practice, and if so, of what sort.

Many others spoke. I was able to accept as truths the places where I had failed, done harm, or retreated into ego. There was no building up of these realities, just noting them. I was able to accept without pride the places where I was mature and responsible and acted with love.

Finally there was no more response to the question of whether any being present spoke for me. Some high beings, Jeshua, Maharaj-ji, and Aaron were part of the circle but I understood that these would not speak, that the statements were left to my peers. This process, thus far, had been about one hour, as I noted just before the end that the incense I had lit at the start had ceased to offer scent.

Then there was a time of silence when I was asked to deeply consider my request in the light of all that I had heard.

There was no sense of grasping. There was absolute clarity that the decision must not come from an ego place, of wanting to be something I'm not, in order to impress, for example, but must come from the deepest aspirations of the heart and from a place of truth. That deepest inner voice said "yes, but I don't know how. Help me." The response was, "All the help you need will be given." There was a feeling of great joy, of embracing.

I know this was a taking of the Bodhisattva vow, a statement of intention to service to all beings, and to not seek one's own liberation until all beings are thusly liberated. Taking this vow serves as a reminder to do the inner work. I see that having made this commitment, I can't take it lightly. If feelings of unworthiness, fear or greed get in the way of my keeping it, I have to resolve them. This "bodhicitta" or pure heart is in us all and I see that connection with it is the strongest motivating factor there can be to release our own fears.

The ceremony continued. We were drawn into a circle and I was given a seat, between Aaron and a high being I did not know by name but whose energy felt familiar. I was asked to stand, to state my intention to the gathering and to ask for whatever sorts of help I thought I needed. I was told to be as specific as possible.

I asked for help in releasing old concepts, old patterns of limitation and fear. I asked for help with patience, grasping, and fear of harm to this body. I asked for help in releasing any old concepts of unworthy, unwhole, unsatisfactory. I asked that my body energy be helped to open in readiness for this work. There was no single response, just a clear sense that I had been heard, and that asking for help is one sign of maturity. Such maturity means recognizing one's weaknesses without exaggeration or slighting, without aversion to or clinging to those weaknesses or blame of them as a reason why one "can't" manifest one's intentions.

Finally, the one whom I knew as Jeshua stood up and took my hands. There was a sense of intense energy opening that was painful in the end. I asked for help and felt myself filled with energy. There was a flooding of light, all sense of self dissolved. Words fail me. I just rested there.

Eventually I returned to more present consciousness and heard "that is enough for today." I was told that this energy work will be repeated daily for awhile to "tune this instrument the best as is possible for its work." By that I understood that there would be support to raise the vibrational frequency of all the bodies.

The session drew to a close rather abruptly. The energy of all these beings withdrew, leaving me with Aaron who simply suggested I go for a walk. I did so. There were 200 ducks out on the lake and a golden glow of the setting sun. The shoreline was knee deep in crystal shards of ice.